Ride to a Witch

I took the boys to Ride to a Witch and Gardner Village today along with my sister, her kids, and my Mom. We had a ton of fun! We got to ride in a wagon, visit the witches house full of eyeballs and bugs, dance in the witch disco, and bury a dead cockroach. Tons of fun and I actually got a few good pics. Yay!

Holdenisms

Holden has been full of fun sayings lately. Check out some of my favorites:

Holden "bealkoincolo"
Me "That isn't a word"
Holden "It means no in Dork"

Me to Holden "Stop whining"
Holden "NEVER!!!"

Holden "I DO NOT want any Decepticons at my party!"

And my horribly picker eater LOVED popcorn shrimp when we called it popcorn chicken.

10 Years!

Ten years ago I embarked on an adventure. I didn't know at the time that the path would lead me through the pain of losing a child, the struggle of infertility, and the joys of being a Mom. I also didn't know that even though I loved you more than I thought possible on that day, that I would love you even more today.
One of my greatest joys is watching you with our boys and seeing you for the amazing father that you are.

Thank you for being the man you are. I can't imagine the last ten years without you. And I can only imagine where the next ten will take us.

 Happy Tenth Anniversary!

I love you, Tim!

2 Hours Watching Football = Heaven for Jacki!?

On Saturday I was sent a text message out of the blue. It was from Timothy's Mom, Lena. And in it she asked if I wanted to "accidentally" run into her at Timothy's football game that same day. My heart leapt into my throat and I started to cry right away. Through my tears I managed to text back YES!!!

Timothy was playing at a high school in Saratoga Springs. Which is not that far from my house (25 minutes or so). So around 1:15 I got in my car and drove. When I was almost there the butterflies started. I parked my car and walked until I was across the street from the football field. And there I stood for at least ten minutes with my heart beating way too fast and my palms getting sweaty. Then, finally I was able to text Lena again to ask where to meet her. She quickly met me at the bottom of the bleachers. And, again, my vision was blurred with tears (thanks a lot Mom). We hugged and my heart did not slow down. This was the woman I had chosen to raise my son. She is beautiful, and kind, and exactly what all of my memories and pictures of her are.

We talked for 15 minutes or so just standing at the bottom of the bleachers. She pointed Timothy out to me (he's hard to miss at 6'3" and 190) and we stood and watched him play. He rarely comes out of the game. He plays both offense and defense and was just promoted to be a receiver as well. I asked a million questions and she patiently answered them all.

We then went up into the bleachers to sit with the rest of Timothy's family. His grandparents, his Dad, his brother and sister, aunt, and nieces were there to cheer him on as well. Timothy did not know I was coming to the game. So I was introduced to the rest of his family as Lena's friend, Jacki. Walking up to meet them I got nervous all over again. Robert, Timothy's Dad, smiled kindly at me and kept watching the game. However, I don't think it took him long to figure out who I was. Lena called him over and he also told me how wonderful Tim is. How kind, and smart, and fabulous (he did come from me, after all). I was also told that his room is a mess and he had just had his phone taken away for texting too late the night before. I have to say it was nice to hear all the normal teenage boy things about him.

For a total of two hours I sat in the stands and cheered on my 14 year old son. And, not once, did it feel weird or awkward. There were plenty of silences as Lena and I watched the miracle that is Timothy; the handsome young man that we have both created. But it was a comfortable silence.

I did not talk to Tim. Lena told me he wasn't quite ready for that. And I am okay with that. He is what it's all about. But despite that, I can't describe the feeling of peace and happiness I had while sitting in the stands and watching that football game. I have never doubted my decision to place Timothy with Lena and Robert. But to see them. To see their happiness and feel the love of that family. It is beyond description. The closest I can come to describing it is joy. THIS is what was meant to be. THIS is why I made the decision that I did. THIS is what it feels like to be a mother and yet not be a mom.

It was the first time I had seen Timothy since he was 2 days old. And it was great. Heck, it was amazing! I am so blessed that he has the parents that he does. I am beyond grateful that Lena felt the prompting of the Spirit to invite me to that game and acted on it. What an amazing 2 hours of my life. I hope to be able to see another game sometime in the future. And I will keep my fingers crossed that Timothy will decide he would like to meet me someday.

And until that day comes I will continue to build up my questions, have a new appreciation for football and to know that all is right in the world.

For Timothy

                “Tell me again. “ The little boy whispered.

                “Again?” His mother asked, wondering how he never tired of this story. He snuggled deeper into his blankets and looked up expectantly. “Once upon a time, “ she started. “There was a very beautiful and talented young woman. She was a good person and she loved her family very much. But as she got older she made a few mistakes. And she soon found that she was pregnant.”

                “That means she had a baby in her tummy, right?” The little boy asked, knowing the answer.

                “Right.” Said his mother. “She had a baby in her tummy. But she wasn’t married to the baby’s father. And she was still in high school so she didn’t know what to do. She told her family and they were all very nice to her. Her mom took her to the doctor and to a lady who could help her decide what to do with the baby.”

                “She’s called a counts-all-her, isn’t she?”

                “A counselor, yes. Well, the counselor helped the young woman decide to let someone else raise her baby. That’s called adoption. So she looked at pictures and read letters until she found the family she thought should raise her baby.”

                “That was you and daddy.” The little boy said matter of factly.

                “Yes.” His mother answered as tears fell down her cheeks. “And that’s why you’re my little boy.” She stopped, ready to go to bed; as this was where the story usually ended. But the little boy had more to say tonight.

                “Are you happy I’m your little boy?”

                “Extremely happy.” She answered, surprised.

                “Then why are you crying?”

                She paused for a moment wondering how much he could understand. “There are a lot of reasons I’m crying. One is because I’m so happy you’re my little boy. I’m happy that I get to kiss you goodnight. And hold you when you cry. I’m happy I get to see your smiling face every day and to hear your wonderful laughter. But I’m also sad. Because your real mommy doesn’t get to do or hear all those things. Because I know she loves you just as much as I do.”

                “Mommy,” he said very quietly. She knew by the look on his face something was troubling him. She also knew this would be a new question, one she hadn’t answered before. “Didn’t she want me?” He whispered. “Didn’t my birth mommy want to keep me with her?”

                His mother tried to breathe as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. “Oh baby,” She whispered and pulled him into her arms. “She wanted you so much. She wanted to hold you every day just like I’m holding you now. But she loved you too much. She didn’t think she would be a good enough mother for you. Not then. She was too young. She wanted you to have more. So she gave you to me and daddy. Because she wanted you to be happy. And she wasn’t sure if she could make you happy. But most of all,” she hugged him tighter. “She loved you way more than she loved herself.”

                She laid the little boy back on his bed and kissed his forehead. “I love you.” She said

                “I love you, too.” He told her. “And I love my real mommy too. Because she loved me so much she gave me to you.”

                His mother wiped at her tears, turned off the light, and shut the door.

               
Somewhere, far away, a young woman lay in her bed thinking of her son. And suddenly an overwhelming feeling of love came upon her. And, again, she knew that she had made the right decision when she gave her son up for adoption.

Holden's First Day of School

Holden had his first day of advanced PreK today. Yes, I know it's still just preschool, but I like the sound of advanced PreK better.

Next year he will be off to Kindergarten so I'm enjoying my non tear filled first day of school for probably the last time.

JJ: Where did your Grandparents Live, etc?

This one is a long question so it's not all in the title.
Where did your grandparents live? What was their home like? Did it have a certain smell or look?

I only had one grandparent growing up. My Mom's parents died before I was born. And my Dad's dad doesn't count. So that leaves me with my amazing Grandma Archibald.
She lived in Garland, Utah in a large three story house. She always had horses and I loved to ride. I miss riding horses more than I ever would have thought. She also had raspberry bushes galore. I used to go out to pick raspberries and come back to the house with less in my bag than in my belly. I still love raspberries. Easily my favorite fruit.

The house itself had three stories. The basement was dirty and used for storage mostly. Or it seemed like it to me anyway. The main floor had bedrooms, the kitchen, and the living room. But upstairs was where the real fun was. Aside from the creepy picture that watched you wherever you walked this was my domain when visiting Grandma Archibald. There were big rooms and small closets, a whole room full of trunks and old things, and a porch to sit on. One room even had two walk in closets. Often one of those closets was "my house" and the other was a siblings house. We could play in that one room for hours on end. She had a big porch in the front yard with little holes in the front that I used to slide through. (what the heck were those for anyway?) And I remember a huge pine tree that had a picnic table underneath. As well as a swing set that wasn't used nearly as much as the things that were not toys. I used to dream of having a very similar house when I grew up.

I can't remember a specific smell or look, but I do remember that my grandma almost always had something cooking. So it always smelled of good food. Grandma Archibald had a way about her that just made you feel special. I'm so glad I was able to experience that; if only for a short time.