This Time

My heart hurts. For the first time in close to 18 years I am confronted with the fact that I'm NOT his mom. He has had a major milestone in his life. And I found out on Facebook just like the rest of the world. Which is exactly how it should be. I'm super happy for him. And proud. And excited. And yet I am ridiculously, irrationally sad for myself.

He is an amazing kid young man. He is smart and talented and kind and funny. He is driven and dedicated and loyal. But he didn't learn those things from me. Because while he came from my body, he is not my son.

Maybe if I keep repeating it it won't hurt so much?

For the first time since he was a baby and I could still "see" his beautiful face I feel left out. I didn't expect anything different. I knew what I was giving up. I knew I would miss out on so much more than one major milestone. But this time. This time feels different. This time my arms ache to hold him. This time my tears are falling. Yes, I'm happy. I'm so glad he is the man he is. I'm so grateful that he has the mom he does. I could not have possibly dreamed up anyone better than her. She is certainly the mom he needed and the mom I needed for him. But that mom isn't me.

I'm not there. He isn't mine. Not new information. I know. I do. But I can't help the way I feel. And this time my heart hurts.

I Met Him!

For years (almost 17) I have been hoping and praying for the day that Timothy would decide he was ready to see me in person. I had decided that it probably wasn't going to happen until he was older; maybe not until after his mission.

So on Saturday, March 15, I was very surprised to get an email and a text from Lena (Timothy's mom) letting me know that he was singing at Temple Square that night and specifically asked her to invite me. How could I possibly say no? So I jumped in the shower, agonized over what to wear and finally headed to Temple Square.

Almost as soon as I got there I saw Lena. We hugged and almost cried (yay me!) and talked for a moment. Then we headed in to the Assembly Hall where Timothy was practicing with his choir. He texted her right away letting her know he saw her. Or us. Which in and of itself was huge. He saw me!!

His practice ran long so his mom and I just sat and watched and talked. I saw Timothy look at me a few times and see that I was looking at him. I could see Jon in his movements. And honestly I was really surprised that that was something I would notice. He sent Lena a text and told her he was nervous, that he didn't know what to say. So I told her I felt the same. What do you say to the almost 17 year old boy young man that has been a huge part of your life, has shaped you into the person you are, and who your heart ached for? How do I say I love you; You are amazing; I'm so proud of who you have become; Of who you are still becoming? How can I express these feelings and more to someone who doesn't know me? It's an odd feeling to have. How can I love someone so much that I haven't seen for so long?

After sitting with Lena for just under two hours rehearsal was over. And this is when my nerves kicked in to high gear. Would Timothy change his mind? Would he decide he didn't want to meet me after all? As my stomach did flip flops he walked down the stairs. As he got closer I noticed his height. Everyone always comments on how tall he is when they see his pictures. I notice it as well. But it didn't hit me just HOW tall he was until he was standing next to me. (For the record, he is 6'5". A full 10 inches taller than me.) I could tell he was nervous also. He smiled and shook my hand. Mine was shaking and I hope he didn't notice.

His amazing mom, Lena, asked Timothy's friend to take a picture of all three of us together. After that Lena took a pic of just me and Timothy. I can still feel where his hand rested on my back (which sound stalkerish, but really isn't.) And that was it. He then went to eat dinner before his performance. It was very fast and filled with a ton of emotion. I loved it all. Every single second. I really hope it will happen again soon. I would absolutely love to be more involved in his life. And for my kids to meet him. Holden is especially interested. Because they have grown up knowing who he is.

I can't even begin to describe how full my heart was during this short meeting. And still is now. Lena said it beautifully "So thrilled that we were both able to hold him together for the first time! Our hearts were on both sides of his heart-symbolic of the deep bond we both share with an amazing son! So thrilled that Tim gave us this miracle today!"

I'm so thankful that Lena is his mom. Not only for him, but for me. She helped to calm my nerves. And to remind me of the strong bond we have with each other. I love her so much. I could not have picked a better mother for my baby. She is everything I wanted for him. Everything I feared I couldn't be at 17.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. I have no doubts that Lena and I knew each other before this life. That we talked with each other in the pre-existence about the different challenges we would go through on this Earth and how we would find each other again. I also know without a doubt that she and Robert were destined to be Timothy's parents. I was just the vessel to bring him into the world.

You can read a bit more about me giving Timothy up HERE.

Happy Birthday Timothy!

 Timothy at his basketball championship game in February.

I know he isn't mine, but I felt his little feet kick my ribs for weeks on end.
I know he isn't mine, but I rejoice in his accomplishments and mourn for his losses.
I know he isn't mine, but his eyes and ears and feet are.
I know he isn't mine, but I can't imagine my life if he had never entered it.
I know he isn't mine, but I will always be his.
I am not his mom, I cannot take credit for his deeds.
But I am his birth mother, and I am responsible for his life.

Fifteen years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful 7 pound 1 ounce baby boy. He has grown into such a smart, handsome young man. I was never meant to be his mom. But I can't help but love him just as much as if I were.

I love you and happy birthday, Timothy!

2 Hours Watching Football = Heaven for Jacki!?

On Saturday I was sent a text message out of the blue. It was from Timothy's Mom, Lena. And in it she asked if I wanted to "accidentally" run into her at Timothy's football game that same day. My heart leapt into my throat and I started to cry right away. Through my tears I managed to text back YES!!!

Timothy was playing at a high school in Saratoga Springs. Which is not that far from my house (25 minutes or so). So around 1:15 I got in my car and drove. When I was almost there the butterflies started. I parked my car and walked until I was across the street from the football field. And there I stood for at least ten minutes with my heart beating way too fast and my palms getting sweaty. Then, finally I was able to text Lena again to ask where to meet her. She quickly met me at the bottom of the bleachers. And, again, my vision was blurred with tears (thanks a lot Mom). We hugged and my heart did not slow down. This was the woman I had chosen to raise my son. She is beautiful, and kind, and exactly what all of my memories and pictures of her are.

We talked for 15 minutes or so just standing at the bottom of the bleachers. She pointed Timothy out to me (he's hard to miss at 6'3" and 190) and we stood and watched him play. He rarely comes out of the game. He plays both offense and defense and was just promoted to be a receiver as well. I asked a million questions and she patiently answered them all.

We then went up into the bleachers to sit with the rest of Timothy's family. His grandparents, his Dad, his brother and sister, aunt, and nieces were there to cheer him on as well. Timothy did not know I was coming to the game. So I was introduced to the rest of his family as Lena's friend, Jacki. Walking up to meet them I got nervous all over again. Robert, Timothy's Dad, smiled kindly at me and kept watching the game. However, I don't think it took him long to figure out who I was. Lena called him over and he also told me how wonderful Tim is. How kind, and smart, and fabulous (he did come from me, after all). I was also told that his room is a mess and he had just had his phone taken away for texting too late the night before. I have to say it was nice to hear all the normal teenage boy things about him.

For a total of two hours I sat in the stands and cheered on my 14 year old son. And, not once, did it feel weird or awkward. There were plenty of silences as Lena and I watched the miracle that is Timothy; the handsome young man that we have both created. But it was a comfortable silence.

I did not talk to Tim. Lena told me he wasn't quite ready for that. And I am okay with that. He is what it's all about. But despite that, I can't describe the feeling of peace and happiness I had while sitting in the stands and watching that football game. I have never doubted my decision to place Timothy with Lena and Robert. But to see them. To see their happiness and feel the love of that family. It is beyond description. The closest I can come to describing it is joy. THIS is what was meant to be. THIS is why I made the decision that I did. THIS is what it feels like to be a mother and yet not be a mom.

It was the first time I had seen Timothy since he was 2 days old. And it was great. Heck, it was amazing! I am so blessed that he has the parents that he does. I am beyond grateful that Lena felt the prompting of the Spirit to invite me to that game and acted on it. What an amazing 2 hours of my life. I hope to be able to see another game sometime in the future. And I will keep my fingers crossed that Timothy will decide he would like to meet me someday.

And until that day comes I will continue to build up my questions, have a new appreciation for football and to know that all is right in the world.

For Timothy

                “Tell me again. “ The little boy whispered.

                “Again?” His mother asked, wondering how he never tired of this story. He snuggled deeper into his blankets and looked up expectantly. “Once upon a time, “ she started. “There was a very beautiful and talented young woman. She was a good person and she loved her family very much. But as she got older she made a few mistakes. And she soon found that she was pregnant.”

                “That means she had a baby in her tummy, right?” The little boy asked, knowing the answer.

                “Right.” Said his mother. “She had a baby in her tummy. But she wasn’t married to the baby’s father. And she was still in high school so she didn’t know what to do. She told her family and they were all very nice to her. Her mom took her to the doctor and to a lady who could help her decide what to do with the baby.”

                “She’s called a counts-all-her, isn’t she?”

                “A counselor, yes. Well, the counselor helped the young woman decide to let someone else raise her baby. That’s called adoption. So she looked at pictures and read letters until she found the family she thought should raise her baby.”

                “That was you and daddy.” The little boy said matter of factly.

                “Yes.” His mother answered as tears fell down her cheeks. “And that’s why you’re my little boy.” She stopped, ready to go to bed; as this was where the story usually ended. But the little boy had more to say tonight.

                “Are you happy I’m your little boy?”

                “Extremely happy.” She answered, surprised.

                “Then why are you crying?”

                She paused for a moment wondering how much he could understand. “There are a lot of reasons I’m crying. One is because I’m so happy you’re my little boy. I’m happy that I get to kiss you goodnight. And hold you when you cry. I’m happy I get to see your smiling face every day and to hear your wonderful laughter. But I’m also sad. Because your real mommy doesn’t get to do or hear all those things. Because I know she loves you just as much as I do.”

                “Mommy,” he said very quietly. She knew by the look on his face something was troubling him. She also knew this would be a new question, one she hadn’t answered before. “Didn’t she want me?” He whispered. “Didn’t my birth mommy want to keep me with her?”

                His mother tried to breathe as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. “Oh baby,” She whispered and pulled him into her arms. “She wanted you so much. She wanted to hold you every day just like I’m holding you now. But she loved you too much. She didn’t think she would be a good enough mother for you. Not then. She was too young. She wanted you to have more. So she gave you to me and daddy. Because she wanted you to be happy. And she wasn’t sure if she could make you happy. But most of all,” she hugged him tighter. “She loved you way more than she loved herself.”

                She laid the little boy back on his bed and kissed his forehead. “I love you.” She said

                “I love you, too.” He told her. “And I love my real mommy too. Because she loved me so much she gave me to you.”

                His mother wiped at her tears, turned off the light, and shut the door.

               
Somewhere, far away, a young woman lay in her bed thinking of her son. And suddenly an overwhelming feeling of love came upon her. And, again, she knew that she had made the right decision when she gave her son up for adoption.

Timothy

Timothy's Mom, Lena just posted this pic on Facebook. He is 6'1" and 185 pounds. He is huge!!!