This Time

My heart hurts. For the first time in close to 18 years I am confronted with the fact that I'm NOT his mom. He has had a major milestone in his life. And I found out on Facebook just like the rest of the world. Which is exactly how it should be. I'm super happy for him. And proud. And excited. And yet I am ridiculously, irrationally sad for myself.

He is an amazing kid young man. He is smart and talented and kind and funny. He is driven and dedicated and loyal. But he didn't learn those things from me. Because while he came from my body, he is not my son.

Maybe if I keep repeating it it won't hurt so much?

For the first time since he was a baby and I could still "see" his beautiful face I feel left out. I didn't expect anything different. I knew what I was giving up. I knew I would miss out on so much more than one major milestone. But this time. This time feels different. This time my arms ache to hold him. This time my tears are falling. Yes, I'm happy. I'm so glad he is the man he is. I'm so grateful that he has the mom he does. I could not have possibly dreamed up anyone better than her. She is certainly the mom he needed and the mom I needed for him. But that mom isn't me.

I'm not there. He isn't mine. Not new information. I know. I do. But I can't help the way I feel. And this time my heart hurts.