On Saturday I was sent a text message out of the blue. It was from Timothy's Mom, Lena. And in it she asked if I wanted to "accidentally" run into her at Timothy's football game that same day. My heart leapt into my throat and I started to cry right away. Through my tears I managed to text back YES!!!
Timothy was playing at a high school in Saratoga Springs. Which is not that far from my house (25 minutes or so). So around 1:15 I got in my car and drove. When I was almost there the butterflies started. I parked my car and walked until I was across the street from the football field. And there I stood for at least ten minutes with my heart beating way too fast and my palms getting sweaty. Then, finally I was able to text Lena again to ask where to meet her. She quickly met me at the bottom of the bleachers. And, again, my vision was blurred with tears (thanks a lot Mom). We hugged and my heart did not slow down. This was the woman I had chosen to raise my son. She is beautiful, and kind, and exactly what all of my memories and pictures of her are.
We talked for 15 minutes or so just standing at the bottom of the bleachers. She pointed Timothy out to me (he's hard to miss at 6'3" and 190) and we stood and watched him play. He rarely comes out of the game. He plays both offense and defense and was just promoted to be a receiver as well. I asked a million questions and she patiently answered them all.
We then went up into the bleachers to sit with the rest of Timothy's family. His grandparents, his Dad, his brother and sister, aunt, and nieces were there to cheer him on as well. Timothy did not know I was coming to the game. So I was introduced to the rest of his family as Lena's friend, Jacki. Walking up to meet them I got nervous all over again. Robert, Timothy's Dad, smiled kindly at me and kept watching the game. However, I don't think it took him long to figure out who I was. Lena called him over and he also told me how wonderful Tim is. How kind, and smart, and fabulous (he did come from me, after all). I was also told that his room is a mess and he had just had his phone taken away for texting too late the night before. I have to say it was nice to hear all the normal teenage boy things about him.
For a total of two hours I sat in the stands and cheered on my 14 year old son. And, not once, did it feel weird or awkward. There were plenty of silences as Lena and I watched the miracle that is Timothy; the handsome young man that we have both created. But it was a comfortable silence.
I did not talk to Tim. Lena told me he wasn't quite ready for that. And I am okay with that. He is what it's all about. But despite that, I can't describe the feeling of peace and happiness I had while sitting in the stands and watching that football game. I have never doubted my decision to place Timothy with Lena and Robert. But to see them. To see their happiness and feel the love of that family. It is beyond description. The closest I can come to describing it is joy. THIS is what was meant to be. THIS is why I made the decision that I did. THIS is what it feels like to be a mother and yet not be a mom.
It was the first time I had seen Timothy since he was 2 days old. And it was great. Heck, it was amazing! I am so blessed that he has the parents that he does. I am beyond grateful that Lena felt the prompting of the Spirit to invite me to that game and acted on it. What an amazing 2 hours of my life. I hope to be able to see another game sometime in the future. And I will keep my fingers crossed that Timothy will decide he would like to meet me someday.
And until that day comes I will continue to build up my questions, have a new appreciation for football and to know that all is right in the world.
