Mutton Bustin'

Every year the rodeo comes to West Jordan. This year, we talked Holden and Beckett into doing mutton bustin'. If you don't know, this is where someone climbs onto a sheep and hangs on for as long as possible while the sheep runs away and tries to get them off. Both boys were really excited to try it and they did great! They were number 2 and 3 in line, which meant they didn't have to wait long for some fun.

Holden got a score of 80 and Beckett a score of 81. The 81 put Beckett in third place and qualified him for the finals on the next night. Holden was extremely upset that he didn't place and wouldn't let us take a picture. And Beckett didn't help with his excitement over his bigger trophy.

So the next night (Saturday) we headed back to the rodeo for Beckett to compete in the mutton bustin' finals. He was insanely excited to try again and to get another trophy. It was raining this night and the field was muddy and beyond filthy. Beckett was number 9 to compete so he had to wait a bit before he could get filthy. But he did get filthy. Although he fell off the sheep super fast this time and immediately started crying. He wasn't hurt or scared. He was mad that he didn't hang on as long as he wanted to. Which means he did not place this night and did not get another trophy. He did, however, get a belt buckle. 

We are so proud of both boys. They did amazing. They tried their hardest, showed no fear, and did something new and a bit scary. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Anxiety

Tomorrow (June 19) is my ultrasound with my doctor to see our little baby. I will be exactly 19 weeks and 2 days along in my pregnancy. And I have to say my anxiety is through the roof! I've talked to Tim about it a number of times, but could never quite figure out why I was feeling so anxious. But as the ultrasound gets nearer and nearer I'm pretty sure this is what the majority of it has been about.

On July 5, 2005 at exactly 19 weeks and 6 days we found out that our little Quentin's heartbeat was no longer beating. In my heart, I know things will be okay this time around. But I still can't help but worry. What if her heart has stopped? What if she isn't growing properly? What if something is wrong? So many what ifs! I don't know if I can handle another loss. I'm just not strong enough.

I know not many people read this blog anymore, but I needed to get my feelings out there. And Facebook is just a little too public. If you do read this, please say a little prayer for me tonight. And for this little girl growing inside of me.

Ultrasound Pics

Here are a couple ultrasound pics from a couple of weeks ago. This wasn't our regular 20 week ultrasound. I talked Tim into going to Fetal Fotos at 15 weeks so we could find out the gender of our little one. And we did. It's a girl!!! I'm beyond thrilled.

And a little part of me is still afraid that an extra appendage will magically appear in the next ultrasound we have. I think after four boys I was convinced I was never going to get my girl.

All About Mom: by Holden and Beckett

In honor of Mother's Day I asked Holden the questions below. This is something I love doing every year, but I totally forgot this year! So it's a bit late, but here it is anyway.

Questions about mom:

1. What is something mom always says to you?
Holden- Be nice
Beckett- I love you

2. What makes mom happy?
Holden- Me being nice
Beckett- Smelling flowers

3. What makes mom sad?
Holden- Me running away
Beckett- When it's raining and I'm sad

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Holden- Tickle me
Beckett- Saying a joke

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Holden- A little girl
Beckett- Being nice

6. How old is your mom?
Holden- 33 (wow! he got it right!)
Beckett- 33 (holy crap! They both got it right!)

7. How tall is your mom?
Holden- 40 inches
Beckett- Big

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Holden- Go out on dates with dad
Beckett- Go to a play

9. What does your mom do when you are not home?
Holden- Sit and watch TV
Beckett- You just get us from school and bring us home.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Holden- To be a movie star
Beckett- A dress

11. What is your mom really good at?
Holden- Teaching me something
Beckett- Gymnastics (really!? So not true)

12. What is your mom not good at?
Holden- Being funny (ha ha ha! I laughed out loud)
Beckett- Football

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Holden- Be a couponer
Beckett- Work

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Holden- Chocolate molten lava cake (seriously. It's heaven)
Beckett- Bananas

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Holden- Trying to have a baby. (alrighty then)
Beckett- Getting a new toy.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Holden- Supergirl
Beckett-  Nia (from Ninjago)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Holden- Watch TV and snuggle
Beckett- Go have fun

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Holden- We have the same colored skin
Beckett- Wearing the same clothes

19. How are you and your mom different?
Holden- Your hair is long and mine is short
Beckett- Playing Wii

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Holden- 'Cause she kisses me
Beckett- I just know that

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
Holden- That he has short hair
Beckett- Making Lil' Cheddar Meatloaves

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Holden- Girls night out
Beckett- Chick-fil-a (this would be a big negative)

Holy Cow! Timothy is 16!

16 years ago today after 7 1/2 hours of labor I gave birth to my beautiful, Timothy James at 3:43 in the morning. I remember both my mom and my sister Becky being with me throughout the whole thing. It was the first time Becky had ever really dealt with labor and delivery and I remember her commenting on how boring it was. Because, really, it involves a lot of doing nothing while the contractions progress.

I also remember that my Bishop at the time came to the hospital to give me a blessing. And without being asked stayed in the waiting room the whole time so that he could give my new baby a blessing as well. And Becky's boyfriend Justin (who is now her hubby) also stayed in the waiting room the whole time. It was an intensely emotional night and I will never forget all those who were there for me during that time.

Holding my baby for the first time, knowing that I only had hours to get my fill was magical. He was perfect. But I knew from the moment he entered this world that he was never meant to be mine. I know without a doubt that I met his amazing mother, Lena, in the pre-existence and we discussed the trials that we would both go through to bring this little boy into the world. I still feel that bond with her and am so thankful that she was ready to take this boy and make him her own. She has shaped him into an incredible young man. I will be forever grateful for her and her family. 

I love you, Timothy! I hope you have an amazing birthday!

I know he isn't mine, but I felt his little feet kick my ribs for weeks on end.
I know he isn't mine, but I rejoice in his accomplishments and mourn for his losses.
I know he isn't mine, but his eyes and ears and feet are.
I know he isn't mine, but I can't imagine my life if he had never entered it.
I know he isn't mine, but I will always be his.
I am not his mom, I cannot take credit for his deeds.
But I am his birth mother, and I am responsible for his life.

And Then There Were Five...

So in case any of you aren't on Facebook (really!?) Tim and I are expanding our family by one. Another baby will be joining our family in November of this year!

We are all very excited. And the boys are over the moon. They ask quite often how the baby is doing and if they can feel it practicing karate yet. We also have a book that shows how the baby is growing and changing each week and they both love looking at it to see what is going on with their baby. I didn't get to experience this with the other kids so I love that I get to this time around. Holden is especially interested in learning more about what is going on and keeping up to date on how big the baby is.

I am also insanely grateful for my husband. I have been quite sick this time around. I have never experienced morning sickness with any of my four other pregnancies so it's hard to know how to handle it. And I think it's thrown Tim for a loop as well. I'm so thankful that he comes home every day to find me on the couch amid the mess of our house while our kids stare at the TV screen and doesn't blink an eye. He has been great with doing more around the house while I do less and less. I HATE not feeling up to doing things like I used to. I HATE that my house is messy, my laundry isn't done, the trash isn't being taken out, and all of the other things that are being un-done. But I can hate it just a little less knowing my husband is there to help pick up the slack.

I'm also thankful for my sister, Becky, who listens to my cry when I'm sick (yes, this has actually happened) and complain when I have no energy. Hopefully this all passes within a few weeks and life will get back to normal. So I can be a better wife, mother, and sister. And mostly, complain less often. But until then, a big thanks to all my friends and family who have been there for me. I appreciate you more then you know.

All About Beckett: Age Four!!

I can't believe my baby is four today! It seems like only yesterday that this little man came home with me. He has forever changed our lives. He is my hellion, get into trouble, stubborn, snuggley baby boy and I love him to pieces. Happy Birthday Beckett!

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A- A doctor

2. What makes you happy?
A- Having parties.

3. What makes you sad?
A- If Holden hits me.

4. What makes you laugh?
A-Holden saying a funny word.

5. What is your favorite color?
A- Red

6. What is your favorite toy?
A- My Hot Wheels

7. How tall are you?
A- 3 feet tall - I grew while I was sleeping!

8. How much do you weigh?
A- 22

9. What’s your favorite thing to do?
A- Race with Holden.

10. Where is your favorite place to go?
A- McDonalds (sigh).

11. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A- Florida

12. What are you really good at?
A- Running

13. What are you not so good at?
A- Doing a punch trip.

14. What is your favorite thing about school?
A- Playing with the toys.

15. What is your favorite food?
A- Crackers.

16. What food don't you like?
A- Meatloaves

17. Are you a morning person or a night person?
A- Morning

18. What makes you proud of yourself?
A- Being crazy

19. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?
A- Fire man (Johnny Storm from Fantastic Four)

20. What‘s your favorite TV show?
A- Tom and Jerry Tales

21. What is your favorite movie?
A- Wreck it Ralph

22. What is your favorite book?
A- Mad Marvin

23. Who are your friends?
A- Jack, Ella, and Emily.

24. Who is your best friend?
A- Aniston

25. What do you like most about your dad?
A- When he does memememe (tickles him).

26. What do you like most about your mom?
A- Getting a kiss.

27. What do you like most about Holden?
A- Him playing with me.

28. What do you like most about yourself?
A- That I'm nice to other people.