Tim and I tried for years to become pregnant. We finally resorted to IUI and after two tries a miracle happened. I was pregnant! We felt our baby move and heard his heartbeat numerous times. We were so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We headed to the ultrasound appointment with anticipation and excitement. But it only took a moment for that to change. The ultrasound tech let us know that our baby did not have a heartbeat. She called my doctor who told me to head to the hospital so I could deliver my baby.
I remember calling my mom as soon as we left and hearing her laugh when she answered because she was expecting to find out if we were having a boy or girl. I can still remember the exact words I said. "My baby is dead.". And I lost it. We drove to the hospital and were checked in to labor and delivery. The doctor came to start my labor. I remember not wanting to talk to or see anyone. I felt utterly alone. It was only 7 hours later after feeling labor pains and giving one quick push that my tiny, non breathing baby boy was born. I held him in my arms and bawled. Until that point we still hadn't known if it was a boy or girl.
Tim and I discussed a name and decided on Quentin James. We had his body cremated and had a short ceremony at my brother's house. His ashes are now in my living room. It was easily the darkest time in my life. I only survived it because of my wonderful husband and family.
I now have peace that I will be with Quentin someday. And I know I am a better mom because of having gone through this. But I would never wish it on anyone. It was the hardest thing I have been through. So that is why this picture makes me sad. I am grateful that it no longer makes me angry. Love you, Quentin!
4 comments:
I can only imagine the pain that you went through during this time. My heart breaks that I was not around when this happened.
I am so glad that you have the happiness of knowing that you will see him again.
Love you Jacki!
Will you quit posting stuff that makes me cry? That was also one of the hardest days of my life. I'm so glad that you are at peace with it now, even though the pain and loss will never go away completely. I love you!!
I love that at the end of this post you honor him. You are no longer angry about it. It is so nice when the hard things help us...even though they are SO incredibly hard.
YOU my friend, are amazing. Nothing I say will make any sense at this point, as I cannot type through tears. You are loved by so many. Thank you so much for sharing Quentin's story.
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