This Time

My heart hurts. For the first time in close to 18 years I am confronted with the fact that I'm NOT his mom. He has had a major milestone in his life. And I found out on Facebook just like the rest of the world. Which is exactly how it should be. I'm super happy for him. And proud. And excited. And yet I am ridiculously, irrationally sad for myself.

He is an amazing kid young man. He is smart and talented and kind and funny. He is driven and dedicated and loyal. But he didn't learn those things from me. Because while he came from my body, he is not my son.

Maybe if I keep repeating it it won't hurt so much?

For the first time since he was a baby and I could still "see" his beautiful face I feel left out. I didn't expect anything different. I knew what I was giving up. I knew I would miss out on so much more than one major milestone. But this time. This time feels different. This time my arms ache to hold him. This time my tears are falling. Yes, I'm happy. I'm so glad he is the man he is. I'm so grateful that he has the mom he does. I could not have possibly dreamed up anyone better than her. She is certainly the mom he needed and the mom I needed for him. But that mom isn't me.

I'm not there. He isn't mine. Not new information. I know. I do. But I can't help the way I feel. And this time my heart hurts.

All About Beckett: Age SIX!!!

When did this little guy decide he could grow up? Because I don't remember giving permission. My little Beckett is so amazing. He is my caring, funny, crazy, smart, mischievous, no fear, tender heart of a boy. He can read on a 4th grade level and really works hard to make sure everyone is happy. If you are sick or hurt Beckett will help you in any way he possibly can.

He feels things very deeply which leads to lots of temper tantrums, but he is also quick to forgive and the first to say sorry when he has done something wrong. He idolizes his big brother and adores his little sister. I can not possibly imagine our family without this little stink in it. I love him to pieces and can't wait to see all that he will accomplish in his lifetime.

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A-  LEGO creator

2. What makes you happy?
A- Playing with my friends

3. What makes you sad?
A- Getting yelled at


4. What makes you laugh?
A- When someone tells a funny joke.

5. What is your favorite color?
A- Blue & purple

6. What is your favorite toy?
A- LEGO's

7. How tall are you?
A- 65 feets

8. How much do you weigh?
A- 44.5 pounds (ha! Doesn't get much more exact than that)

9. What’s your favorite thing to do?
A- Play with LEGO's

10. Where is your favorite place to go?
A- McDonald's

11. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A- Arizona

12. What are you really good at?
A- Writing

13. What are you not so good at?
A- Drawing carefully (he had a REALLY hard time thinking of something for this one. Love his confidence!)

14. What is your favorite thing about school?
A- Recess

15. What is your favorite food?
A- Fries

16. What food don't you like?
A- Cucumbers

17. Are you a morning person or a night person?
A- Morning

18. What makes you proud of yourself?
A- Making a story

19. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?
A- Spongebob

20. What‘s your favorite TV show?
A- Larvae

21. What is your favorite movie?
A- Avengers

22. What is your favorite book?
A- You Can Be Anything

23. Who are your friends?
A- Wyatt, Lucas, & Bo

24. Who is your best friend?
A- Lucas and Wyatt

25. What do you like most about your dad?
A- That he makes dinner

26. What do you like most about your mom?
A- That she's nice to me

27. What do you like most about Holden?
A- That he plays with me

28. What do you like most about Victoria?
A- That she knows my name

28. What do you like most about yourself?
A- That I'm good at building LEGO's

Eeek He's Eight! All About Holden

I'm going to say the same thing I say every year. I can't believe my baby is eight! Where did the time go? He is such an amazing, smart, caring, inquisitive, athletic, know it all, leader. I can't imagine my life without this little jokester. He can turn any day into something positive and he knows something about everything. He is my dependable smarty pants. Happy eighth birthday Hono!!

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A- An NFL Superstar!

2. What makes you happy?
A- Broncos winning

3. What makes you sad?
A- Scary shows (you know, like evil gnome shows. ha!)

4. What makes you laugh?
A- Dad with the helium thing (he then did an impression. Priceless.)

5. What is your favorite color?
A- Orange

6. What is your favorite toy?
A- My Broncos football helmet

7. How tall are you?
A- 4 feet 5 inches

8. How much do you weigh?
A- 54 pounds

9. What’s your favorite thing to do?
A- Play football

10. Where is your favorite place to go?
A- Lagoon

11. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A- To where the Superbowl is going to be

12. What are you really good at?
A- Football (Again)

13. What are you not so good at?
A- Basketball

14. What is your favorite thing about school?
A- Mathematics

15. What is your favorite food?
A- Elk steak (this is what he chose for his birthday dinner)

16. What food don't you like?
A- Every veggie

17. Are you a morning person or a night person?
A- Morning

18. What makes you proud of yourself?
A- Having a good score on my report card

19. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?
A- Bugs Bunny because he's funny

20. What‘s your favorite TV show?
A- Football

21. What is your favorite movie?
A- Avengers

22. What is your favorite book?
A- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

23. Who are your friends?
A- Max, Isaac W, Adam, Cameron, the good Brody (because there is a bad Brody), Hyrum, Josyah, & Wyatt

24. Who is your best friend?
A- Max and Hyrum

25. What do you like most about your dad?
A- That he brings me hunting

26. What do you like most about your mom?
A- That she let me keep a BB gun

27. What do you like most about Beckett?
A- That he plays with me when Hyrum, Josyah, and Wyatt can't play

28. What do you like most about Victoria?
A- That she laughs at all my jokes

28. What do you like most about yourself?
A- That I'm good at football. (Exact same answer as last year.)

Quentin James Brunson

I love this time of year. It's filled with fireworks and family and lots of fun. But it's also a time of year that is filled with sadness for me. Because 9 years ago was one of the worst days of my life. And this year was especially hard for me. Why was it so hard? Because I completely forgot about it. I forgot to remember that day and to remember my son. As I was lying in bed last night it hit me. I hadn't spent a moment thinking about my Quentin. What does that say about me as a mother?

I hope and pray that Quentin is in heaven looking down and feeling happy. That he can feel the love I have for him and for his three amazing siblings. And that he knows that I could never ever forget him. I can't believe he would be 8, turning 9 this year. I can't believe how convinced I was that I was never going to be a mom and how blessed I am to have the children I do now. The feelings are a bit at odds with each other. And I sometimes have a hard time reconciling them.

Nine years ago:

After struggling for years to have a baby Tim and I were finally pregnant. I remember being so excited to watch the fireworks with my family with my cute baby belly. I was excited to show it off and to make these new memories; to attend one last fourth of July festivities before becoming a Mom.

For some reason my cute nephew, Colton wanted to lay with me during the fireworks and I remember thinking that next year at the same time I would have my own child to take that place. It was a little slice of Heaven.

My baby was due November 23rd and I was 4 1/2 months along. It was a happy day. The next day was not so happy. (If you don't already know what happened you can check out my previous post.)

All About Beckett Age 5!!

I can't believe my baby is five today! I know, I know, I say this every year. But it's true every year. It seems like only yesterday that this little man came home with me. He has forever changed our lives. He is my hellion, get into trouble, stubborn, won't follow directions unless it's his idea, snuggley little boy and I love him to pieces. Happy Birthday Beckett!

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A- A Bees player

2. What makes you happy?
A- That I play with my friends at school

3. What makes you sad?
A-When you send me to a time out.

Okay, this isn't a time out pic. But it makes me smile every time I see it. What can I say? I'm a mean mom.

4. What makes you laugh?
A-Holden being funny.

5. What is your favorite color?
A-Orange and yellow

6. What is your favorite toy?
A- My Hot Wheels (same answer as last year.)

7. How tall are you?
A- 25 inches

8. How much do you weigh?
A- 42.5 pounds (pretty dang close)

9. What’s your favorite thing to do?
A- Play board games

10. Where is your favorite place to go?
A- Iggy's (yay for not being McDonald's this year! Although both are places to eat out. :/ )

11. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
A- Colorado to see a Denver Broncos game!

12. What are you really good at?
A- Helping Victoria

13. What are you not so good at?
A- Winning checkers

14. What is your favorite thing about school?
A- Learning how to count in Spanish (Woo hoo for Ms. Lesly!)

15. What is your favorite food?
A-Inside out chicken pot pie

16. What food don't you like?
A- Soup

17. Are you a morning person or a night person?
A- Morning (like, it's 6:00, can I get up yet? kind of morning person)

18. What makes you proud of yourself?
A- Making you happy (melt my heart)

19. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?
A- Captain Rex (from Star Wars)

20. What‘s your favorite TV show?
A- Spongebob

21. What is your favorite movie?
A- Lego Movie

22. What is your favorite book?
A- Cat in the Hat

23. Who are your friends?
A- Jack, Ben, Avery, and Brielle

24. Who is your best friend?
A- Ben

25. What do you like most about your dad?
A- That he makes good dinners.

26. What do you like most about your mom?
A- That you let me have candy.

27. What do you like most about Holden?
A- His games are cool.

28. What do you like most about Tori?
A-  I love her being happy.

29. What do you like most about yourself?
A- That I'm good at soccer.

5 Months

My beautiful Victoria is 5 months old. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. She is definitely developing her own little spitfire personality. She is also our most high maintenance baby by far. She wants it her way and will let you know just what that way is.

She rolled from her belly to her back a few months ago, but she has yet to roll the other way. She is starting to reach for things and is very smiley.

She is also very fussy. She doesn't like to be put down for long and has no problem letting you know it. Holden and Beckett adore her and are always trying to make her smile and laugh. I'm thankful every day that she joined our family. Love our little Tori Bug.

I Met Him!

For years (almost 17) I have been hoping and praying for the day that Timothy would decide he was ready to see me in person. I had decided that it probably wasn't going to happen until he was older; maybe not until after his mission.

So on Saturday, March 15, I was very surprised to get an email and a text from Lena (Timothy's mom) letting me know that he was singing at Temple Square that night and specifically asked her to invite me. How could I possibly say no? So I jumped in the shower, agonized over what to wear and finally headed to Temple Square.

Almost as soon as I got there I saw Lena. We hugged and almost cried (yay me!) and talked for a moment. Then we headed in to the Assembly Hall where Timothy was practicing with his choir. He texted her right away letting her know he saw her. Or us. Which in and of itself was huge. He saw me!!

His practice ran long so his mom and I just sat and watched and talked. I saw Timothy look at me a few times and see that I was looking at him. I could see Jon in his movements. And honestly I was really surprised that that was something I would notice. He sent Lena a text and told her he was nervous, that he didn't know what to say. So I told her I felt the same. What do you say to the almost 17 year old boy young man that has been a huge part of your life, has shaped you into the person you are, and who your heart ached for? How do I say I love you; You are amazing; I'm so proud of who you have become; Of who you are still becoming? How can I express these feelings and more to someone who doesn't know me? It's an odd feeling to have. How can I love someone so much that I haven't seen for so long?

After sitting with Lena for just under two hours rehearsal was over. And this is when my nerves kicked in to high gear. Would Timothy change his mind? Would he decide he didn't want to meet me after all? As my stomach did flip flops he walked down the stairs. As he got closer I noticed his height. Everyone always comments on how tall he is when they see his pictures. I notice it as well. But it didn't hit me just HOW tall he was until he was standing next to me. (For the record, he is 6'5". A full 10 inches taller than me.) I could tell he was nervous also. He smiled and shook my hand. Mine was shaking and I hope he didn't notice.

His amazing mom, Lena, asked Timothy's friend to take a picture of all three of us together. After that Lena took a pic of just me and Timothy. I can still feel where his hand rested on my back (which sound stalkerish, but really isn't.) And that was it. He then went to eat dinner before his performance. It was very fast and filled with a ton of emotion. I loved it all. Every single second. I really hope it will happen again soon. I would absolutely love to be more involved in his life. And for my kids to meet him. Holden is especially interested. Because they have grown up knowing who he is.

I can't even begin to describe how full my heart was during this short meeting. And still is now. Lena said it beautifully "So thrilled that we were both able to hold him together for the first time! Our hearts were on both sides of his heart-symbolic of the deep bond we both share with an amazing son! So thrilled that Tim gave us this miracle today!"

I'm so thankful that Lena is his mom. Not only for him, but for me. She helped to calm my nerves. And to remind me of the strong bond we have with each other. I love her so much. I could not have picked a better mother for my baby. She is everything I wanted for him. Everything I feared I couldn't be at 17.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. I have no doubts that Lena and I knew each other before this life. That we talked with each other in the pre-existence about the different challenges we would go through on this Earth and how we would find each other again. I also know without a doubt that she and Robert were destined to be Timothy's parents. I was just the vessel to bring him into the world.

You can read a bit more about me giving Timothy up HERE.